All Shook Down

I don’t want to beat a dead horse but all this Sheenwatch talk has got me thinking. What if Charlie Sheen won an Oscar last night? I’d give up dat ass to hear what that man would’ve said during his acceptance speech. Think about it. “i win everyday”

dudeimgettingadell.tumblr.com - a coming of age blog about dorm life and freshman year
bloodboners.tumblr.com - the beauty in this one is the ‘open for interpretation’ of it all. i want this one.
fuckyeahglutenfreediet.tumblr.com - literally.
UDaManNowDawg.tumblr.com - the ultimate personal branding blog. celebrate you!
kentuckyderbylosers.tumblr.com - a graveyard for losers. horse losers. the worst kind of loser.
moeshasmurdermysterymansion.tumblr.com - she should capitalize on her crime. i’d attend a show.
getbusylivinorgetbusyfryin.tumblr.com - a recipe site dedicated to all things soaked in fat
walkthiswade.tumblr.com - a site dedicated to dwayne wade’s swagger and awesome dunk .gifs
despair.tumblr.com - wait nevermind it’s already taken. and its a looping slideshow of my 2010 in pictures.

just a few I thought up while trying to think of a real one for my new project thats going to make me a million dollars. anyways, feel free to use those. but not too free cause, like, i thought of them so paypal me a buck or two. just in case the million gets tied up in investments, ya know?

Went down to my parking garage on Monday night to discover my mirrors collapsed and a couple of eggs poorly smashed on my windshield/ hood. This happened in the parking garage directly under my place. The garage that I pay $110 fucking dollars in addition to my astronomical rent to park my car to keep it “safe” from hobos, gypsies, the elements, and riff raff such as EGGS. Even though I discovered it on Valentine’s Day i’m almost 100% sure that it had nothing to do with a scorned lover and most likely occurred over the weekend. Plus, those eggs were looking mad crusty. That’s just science. Which led me to the following conclusions; someone had a bad trip to the Harris Teeter and took it out on my poor Jeep, someone is a raging hippie and put an egg hit out on all SUVs on G2, someone just hates Jeep, someone just hates Burton, someone just hates me, someone has been watching me drunk park for a few weeks and finally had enough of my “creativeness” and a note was far too challenging because lets face it, they were probably illiterate, i mean they only wasted 3 eggs so they were definately poor and probably uneducated, so they hit me with the egg drop, or it was
the payback
some punk that i roughed up way back
coming back after all these years
rat tat tat tat tat
thats just the way it is.

Are you impressed with my detective skills? My deductive reasoning? I am!

Either way I had a good LOL as i drove flinging shells like shrapnel down 66 and I couldn’t help be feel a little honored that someone would spent .98 cents and decent Grade A bleached eggs on me. I mean, I know i’m worth it but it’s nice to know someone else does too.

Oh and as a fun footnote, I let the parking attendant know to spread the good word to any fellow egg attack victims that they were not alone and that I would be hosting a support group on the 8th floor party room, and also wanted to give her a heads up of such matter. The conversation was word for word this:

Me: Oh thought you should know someone egged my car so theres a lot of yolk going on down on G2, I dont know if anyone else got it too or if the pleasure was all mine
Mamacita parking lady: OOOOOOOOO! It’s dripping?! They leak from ceiling?!
Me: What. No. WHAT? Eggs…on my hood…look…shells? eggs? breakfast? eggs.
Mamacita parking lady: AHH! yes! eggs! Yeah, people work here on weekend.
Me: …………
Mamacita parking lady: Where you park?
Me: G2, like right in front of building, plain view.
Mamacita parking lady: AHHHH yeah! You should park in the corners somewhere
Me: Corner spots are egg free zones?
Mamacita parking lady: So, it leaked from ceiling?
Me: Have a good night!

How many eggs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Eggs don’t have hands.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a martian?
Did you hear the one about the egg?
It’s not all it’s “cracked” up to be!

Why can’t you tease egg whites?
They can’t take a yolk.

Let me paint you a picture. You come to my crib about 7:45PM. You walk in to find me in some casual-chic attire, something Hanes no doubt, but still it’s Navy/Black so I’ve clearly chosen the dressier of the sweatpants. You stop and think; “What’s that tantalizing aroma?”Well, that’s just me heating up the Foreman grill, boy. I hand you a class of chill-able red from the box in the fridge and then I ask you your preference; hamburger, hot dog, or both? Theres only so much room on the grill, so naturally, like a lady, I serve you first. Then you wait another 6-8 minutes for my food to cook. I’ve got a microwave though so i am able to heat yours back up so we can get on the same temperature wave. As we sit on the floor, not mocking traditional Asian dinner style but rather because my apartment is on the tiny side and my roommates called dibs on the couches, I put on some Ralph Tresvant albums, I hum Stone Cold Gentlemen as I chew small bites because of my dolphin teeth, and we eat in, otherwise, dead silence. I ask if you want to spice things up and you obviously say yes. That’s my cue to pop in the Blu-Ray Marley & Me and fall asleep 25 minutes later.

*Alternate ending: I’m told by my Period Tracker iphone app (FREE!) that I’m at my peak fertility on 2/14. I’m also told that in order to lock down a childs birth on 1/11/11, couples need to go hats off in the sack and make it sweet on Valentine’s Day. Everyone knows that i’m a sucker for a good fad date birth, so we pull the goalie and start a family together. tonight.

And that’s why I don’t do the planning on holidays.

me: thanks for saying hi!
me: sorry i whipped my hair back and forth at you
him:

him: thats what you looked like
me: HAHAHAHA
me: thats so accurate
him: a lambeosaurus
me: glad you had that dinosaur nomenclature ready to ride on google search
him: wait no
him:

him: THATS what you looked like
me: damn that dinosaur is fierce looking. are you sure you want to give me that much credit? I’m sure i looked way more like

me: also known as FLOOF.
him: yup
him: thats the one