Mudslide Mayhem - A not so short story based upon a very short story that I found inspiring

Today I showed my friend a cut on my hand and asked if it looked infected. He said maybe I should put some alcohol on it. Alcohol. ALCOHOL????? SO I STOOD UP AND PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE AND THEN DRANK HIS TEARS AND SAID “I’M STRAIGHT FUCKIN EDGE I’LL SEE YOU IN THE FUCKIN PIT.”

This is the most embarassing thing I’ve read on the internet. And I followed Amanda Bynes on Twitter for almost a month. So I’m going to make it all better.

UPDATE: The cut on the hand grew to be a full blown systematic staph infection that resulted in amputation. Because the only skill this young little sXe go hard had ever developed was shredding sick drop d gnar on the guitar and tattooing, he was forced to go on unemployment. The days grew longer and the job hunt grew dimmer. Not before too long he found himself posted up outside 7-11, rossing taquitos and parched for a thirst only one beverage would quench. That beverage was….a TGIFriday’s Mudslide. I know, it’s unbelievable but I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. He bartered his remaining 2 Monterey Jack Chicken taqutitos to a stoner in a yellow El Camino for a ride to the closest TGIFriday’s. Since the amputation he developed an unusually strong sense of smell. He put his nose up to the wind and judging by the delicate aroma of Jack Daniel’s Chicken (EW! FUCKING CHYEAH RIGHT. JACK DANIELS? CHICKEN?! HE WAS STRAIGHT EDGE, BITCH.) he knew there would be a Friday’s near by. After a grueling 11 minute ride, that incidentally consisted of exactly one Widespread Panic song, he had finally made it to his destination. The stoner light up one of the taquitos and cracked a window as the smoke from burning cheese quickly filled the car, and simply said “It’d be a whole lot cooler if you did” in a Matthew Mcconaughey voice. Then he did an impressive French inhale with the chicken chunks and sped off into the sunset. Death Before Dishonor headed into TGIFriday’s and pulled up a stool at the bar. Was this it? Had it all come down to a Mudslide? Yes. Yes it had. Years of being obnoxious, embarrassing and completely missing the point had lead him to the upmost obnoxious and embarrassing drink in the world. The bartender finished pouring bubblegum vodka shots for the milfs and sauntered over to him and said “Can I get you a food menu?” “No,” he said “I’m just here for the Mudslides, girl.” She winked. Mostly because he accidentally spit in her eye, but also because she knew he was. They all were. People don’t go to a TGIFriday’s to have fun, they go to have Mudslides. He told himself they were just bitter chocolate milks to help ease the pain of being such a total dick. He even thought about just doing it this one time and never telling anyone ever. But like all good alcohol, he found it being simply too legit to quit. He ordered one, and then two, and then three, and then fou…took a break to shit, then came back to get four, five, six more Mudslides!
Good grief. This is where the story get’s uncomfortable to tell but I’m going to try anyways because there is a good moral.
There’s a little secret about TGIFriday’s that few people know, if you order 6 Mudslides in a row in under 30 minutes, they bring out the Avalanche. The Avalanche is a beer bong made of solid Arctic ice. It is the most prestige drinking tradition in America. Not any swinging dick gets to experience the Avalanche, okay? I know what you are thinking, You’re thinking that you’re going to make reservations tonight for Friday’s, which is a good idea because they do tend to get crowded around 7pm, and you’re going to go put down 6 Mudslides like it’s not biggie, and then you are going to Avalanche your face off. Well, you’re not. This is a tradition for real warriors. Real alcoholics. Plus, that many Mudslides will literally cause a lactose intolerance that will result in you chunking it real hard for at least 45 minutes, consequently disqualifying you from the Avalanche game. Anyways, ol’ Chain of Strength was about to bong his 7th Mudslide in 30 minutes and with this bong he became a mad man. The rest of the night was a sad blur but he made it home and tried to sleep off the regret and diary. He awoke in the morning feeling pretty terrible but also starving. He stumbled downstairs to see what’s good with the breakfast situation. But you guys, nothing was good. In fact, it was about to get worse. He made eggs and toast and sat down to rethink his life. He raised the fork to his mouth to take a bite and BLAAAAAAAAARRRRARHGHGHGHGHG. He totally vom’ed. “What the fuck? Last time I ever drink. This must be what the fucking assholes call a hangover.” He took a sip of his OJ and BLAAAAAAAARGFGFGFGFGFGFFFFT. MORE PUKE! He wanted to die. Nothing would stay down. He was starving. Just then he noticed his roommates vodka and spotted a bottle of chocolate syrup in the fridge. All these warm fuzzy muddy feelings came back to him. He blacked out and woke up to chocolate all over his face. The vodka? Gone. He called his roommate in and said, “look man, I know we haven’t talked much since I punched you for trying to help me disinfect my cut that ultimately led to infection and amputation, butttttttttttttt, I got to ask you another medical question, is it possible to be allergic to everything except variations of the TGIFriday’s Mudslide?” His friend looked awful and could barely speak. “Dude, this is serious. I apologized for punching you in the face. Don’t be a little bitch. I’m starving and all I want is Mudslides, I’m starting to freak out. And oh yeah, I sold out. Whooooopsies! ;)” His friend collapsed and died. Yep, he died. So Minor Threat called his Mom, a bitch who incidentally also told him to clean his wound with alcohol, but she didn’t pick up. Because she died too. In fact, most of the people that he was close to had died. Of MRSA. Turns out by letting his disgusting infection go for so long he had contracted MRSA and spread it to everyone he loved. He laid down to die, cold, alone, with a BAC of .39 and with a chocolate milk mustache. Now he would truly see them all in the fucking pit. The pit of bodies before cremation. The end!

Did you read all of that? I’m sorry if you did and considered it a waste of time. Now we are even.

(Source: second-impact)