A practical yolker

Went down to my parking garage on Monday night to discover my mirrors collapsed and a couple of eggs poorly smashed on my windshield/ hood. This happened in the parking garage directly under my place. The garage that I pay $110 fucking dollars in addition to my astronomical rent to park my car to keep it “safe” from hobos, gypsies, the elements, and riff raff such as EGGS. Even though I discovered it on Valentine’s Day i’m almost 100% sure that it had nothing to do with a scorned lover and most likely occurred over the weekend. Plus, those eggs were looking mad crusty. That’s just science. Which led me to the following conclusions; someone had a bad trip to the Harris Teeter and took it out on my poor Jeep, someone is a raging hippie and put an egg hit out on all SUVs on G2, someone just hates Jeep, someone just hates Burton, someone just hates me, someone has been watching me drunk park for a few weeks and finally had enough of my “creativeness” and a note was far too challenging because lets face it, they were probably illiterate, i mean they only wasted 3 eggs so they were definately poor and probably uneducated, so they hit me with the egg drop, or it was
the payback
some punk that i roughed up way back
coming back after all these years
rat tat tat tat tat
thats just the way it is.

Are you impressed with my detective skills? My deductive reasoning? I am!

Either way I had a good LOL as i drove flinging shells like shrapnel down 66 and I couldn’t help be feel a little honored that someone would spent .98 cents and decent Grade A bleached eggs on me. I mean, I know i’m worth it but it’s nice to know someone else does too.

Oh and as a fun footnote, I let the parking attendant know to spread the good word to any fellow egg attack victims that they were not alone and that I would be hosting a support group on the 8th floor party room, and also wanted to give her a heads up of such matter. The conversation was word for word this:

Me: Oh thought you should know someone egged my car so theres a lot of yolk going on down on G2, I dont know if anyone else got it too or if the pleasure was all mine
Mamacita parking lady: OOOOOOOOO! It’s dripping?! They leak from ceiling?!
Me: What. No. WHAT? Eggs…on my hood…look…shells? eggs? breakfast? eggs.
Mamacita parking lady: AHH! yes! eggs! Yeah, people work here on weekend.
Me: …………
Mamacita parking lady: Where you park?
Me: G2, like right in front of building, plain view.
Mamacita parking lady: AHHHH yeah! You should park in the corners somewhere
Me: Corner spots are egg free zones?
Mamacita parking lady: So, it leaked from ceiling?
Me: Have a good night!

How many eggs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Eggs don’t have hands.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a martian?
Did you hear the one about the egg?
It’s not all it’s “cracked” up to be!

Why can’t you tease egg whites?
They can’t take a yolk.

(Source: eggs.org.nz)